Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A commentary on friendship

I've always been fascinated with friendships. I have been blessed with many throughout my life. I can't remember a time when I didn't always have a dozen or so people that I could call to do anything at any given time. I don't think that is anything odd when I was in high school or college. But as I got into my mid-20's I think that the number of people that most people routinely spend time with that are not family or colleagues (the definition of "friends" from here on it)plummets. But my friendship levels did not. They are probably as high as they ever were, or perhaps even higher. I can honestly say that four or five of my closest high school friends, guys who were always hanging out in large groups, have now lost anything resembling that. Their time is spent with family and work first, and maybe with one or two close friends in the little bit of free time that they can round up.
I am inclined to say that I find this sad, but i don't. They are both happy men, with wives and families that they adore. I suppose that it is the natural order of things. Although I don't think that this is particularly sad in general, I think losing all my friendships would suck. I just can't imagine a life without dozens of close friends. And so I prioritize friends as high as I can.
But that leads me to my next question. How high should you prioritize friends? The benefits are obvious; you have fun with your friends. However, when you have a child there can only be so many hours in the day and time spent doing one thing typically takes away from time spent doing something else. It also makes matters more difficult when you have a large group of equal friends. If you had a single friend; you could stay equally close with that person because all your "friend" time could go that direction. But when you have multiple groups; something has got to give.
There is also an emotional cost to trying maintain friends. One thing I've learned being part of a large network of friends is that no matter how one tries to be inclusive, people always get left out. And when this happens, either feelings get hurt or people re-evaluate their friendships. If you only have a small amount of time to hang out with some friends you aren't likely to invest that time with someone who routinely leaves you out. The reasons are not just petty, time spent with friends leads to stories and memories, and these memories compound over time. If you miss out on too many events, you are out of the loop, and hanging out just isn't the same anymore. Everyone has been there before, like say, if a friend of yours from high school has a group of college friends coming over. They will just talk and talk about the good ole times and you are just a fly on the wall. This never works out.
Although this inevitable fall is somewhat petty as well. Your time may not mean jack shit to anyone else, but its infinitely precious to you. And its hard to justify spending it with someone who doesn't seem to want to spend time equally with you. These things happen all the time as friends "fall off". What exactly is that? It doesn't mean that there is a big fight or a change in one's life, but they start making plans less frequently, that frequency hits a tipping point, and then viola! you reach a point of "I used to hang out with them" from "my good friend who I see all the time". These events happen all the time and they fell like real losses. And I suppose the last thing I can say about it is that perhaps this is why most families fall out with their large networks; they seem to be less and less involved in things and then one day , presto, chango, 10 years goes by and nobody has thought to call. when you put it that way , it is definitely sad.